This was quite an unusual 2 weeks. I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions coupled with a prison of chaotic thoughts that I couldn’t seem to silence or escape from. That, friends, is a recipe for our feature guest today: Breakdowns. Welcome, Welcome, you exhausting fucks… Lucky Me. But, seriously, I am lucky. I’ve been there/here before. I am familiar with this chaotic place. I’ve actually had a long stint where I lived in this place for quite a few years. I bet some would call it depression – and it is for sure, oh, lord almighty, it is… But I always seem to come out of it. I emerge different, changed, renewed (for a while) until the next wave starts to slowly make me sink. But when it relinquishes its heavy grip, it then leaves me alone for quite some time (again, years). And although I think I have begun emerging from it today, I still can’t quite pinpoint what the ingredients are that create such a glorious explosion of terror, fear, worthlessness, self-hatred and just…doom. Let me be clear. I did have a breakdown (2 in fact – on the same day), But I wouldn’t consider myself emotionally unstable. I don’t [typically] inflict my chaos onto others, unless, of course, my relationship with a person is a factor in the breakdown… Even then, when I do unleash, it’s super severe and nasty, but it’s…
This isn’t a bragging session. Well, in one sense it may be, but not like you may think. I am moved. Tonight I am moved because I was just thinking back on how I exisit, and breathe, and live in this world. How I see it, why I see it that way… I owe it to my mom. I wish I could express how wonderful my mother is. I could go on for hours and hours of these countless deeds she has done – gifting time, money, resources – not only for me, but my sister, my friends, her friends, her ex husband (my dad), her parents… Seriously, the list doesn’t stop. And it’s likely that more are to come in her wake that will feel her good graces. I know, I know, everyone is grateful for a parent, or at least someone they love deeply. But I don’t think you get it. This one person has filled so many roles in my life, I don’t know how I would be who I am or what I am without her. Mother, Caretaker, Mentor, Friend, Trusted Advisor, Oracle, Counselor, Comforter, Sage, Encourager, Love… Love. My mother has been love. I know a lot of people can relate… And I also know the flip side…. a lot of people cannot relate… to their mother being love… And that’s okay (and I wish you…
So, I am kind of terrified of wasting my life. After some deep and long, thoughtful questions from my best friend, we began discussing the idea of further defining our values the other night. It’s something that is so simple, and struck me as odd that I never thought about it. Her number one purpose in life, she reports, is “love.” That got me thinking. What do you mean by that? What is love? Love to me is so vague and is widely interpreted. I asked her – what does that mean? She responded with “Growth and Intimacy.” Ok, and so what does growth mean? What does intimacy mean for you? I think that’s a problem that many of us get hooked into – chasing vague ideas. As I was asking her these questions, I flipped it on myself. Success. Success to me is vague and therefore, I find myself endlessly searching for this thing that isn’t actually defined. It’s like, some feeling (which, womp, womp… I am attempting to rely less on my feelings than I have in the past – so fail for me). It’s like, some weird, “oh, I’ll just know it when I get it.” Really? Will I really know it when I get it? Brene Brown, a famous researcher and removed mentor of mine (as in she’s mentored me through her books, podcasts and ted talks), known for her great research on shame and vulnerability, was asked by…
Ok, so I have been thinking a little more on this self-help addiction thing. I do believe that I have an addiction. I do believe I should cease a lot of meaningless article reading. I don’t believe, however, in ceasing all together personal development! I realized the other day, that I can (and it is good to) still listen to podcasts on my hour+ commute when I have to go into the office. This is a good thing. I am taking otherwise worthless time, and learning and hearing other people’s stories and so forth. So, that stays. I don’t believe I need to google every thought or feeling that comes my way, however. On another note, I am realizing that I am not so far gone in my addiction as I could be. Sure I get the next fix/high off of a LinkedIn leadership article. Sure, I can lose myself for hours on the interwebs reading new concepts of thought to enhance my daily living. And yes, there is a higher ratio of reading/learning in my life than actual doing. But through conversations with my best friend, I have found that I am at heart a doer. She reminded me that I do in so many other areas of my life. Like previous jobs (and even this current job), I am all about action. At home, I am all about action (cleaning, laundry, etc.). In my relationship, I am all about…
My very best friend and I talk about having a podcast – I made the comment it should be called, “Welp, fucked that up.” Either that, or a book/memoir. It wouldn’t be something spectacular, but rather a series of events explaining the ways in which we have so often attempted to make things go “right”, or our way, and in looking back have completely fucked up the situation even further. I am here to inform you, that this once again has happened with me. How you might ask? Well… I wouldn’t be writing a post unless I was ready to divulge all the dirty details… So, yesterday was rather a bit of an awakening. And of course, riddled with embarrassment and a hard reckoning. I realized: I am a self-help addict. [gasp] No, but seriously. After blowing almost 4 hours of blowing in an effort to find a fix, I came across some heavy and weighty material by Mark Manson. I am a subscriber of his (of course), and get some extra content for being as such. I watched a short video clip where he answers a series of most voted questions on his site on a blog post called “Ask Mark Anything.” One of the questions was, something akin to: “How do I stop being a self-help addict and start doing?” Mark was kind and frank (as he normally is – well…