This isn’t a bragging session.  Well, in one sense it may be, but not like you may think.  I am moved.  Tonight I am moved because I was just thinking back on how I exisit, and breathe, and live in this world.  How I see it, why I see it that way… I owe it to my mom.

I wish I could express how wonderful my mother is.  I could go on for hours and hours of these countless deeds she has done – gifting time, money, resources – not only for me, but my sister, my friends, her friends, her ex husband (my dad), her parents… Seriously, the list doesn’t stop.  And it’s likely that more are to come in her wake that will feel her good graces.

I know, I know, everyone is grateful for a parent, or at least someone they love deeply.  But I don’t think you get it.  This one person has filled so many roles in my life, I don’t know how I would be who I am or what I am without her.  Mother, Caretaker, Mentor, Friend, Trusted Advisor, Oracle, Counselor, Comforter, Sage, Encourager, Love… Love.  My mother has been love.  I know a lot of people can relate… And I also know the flip side…. a lot of people cannot relate… to their mother being love… And that’s okay (and I wish you could.  How I wish you could). But.  Your story isn’t over.

A person in your life doesn’t have to come in the form of a parent.  It could be a friend, a teacher, a co-worker, a family member, a chance encounter… But when they come… whoa, do you feel it.  And it’s interesting… usually it will take a long while for this type of person to help develop you (after all, we are complex and issue-ridden beings), but sometimes it happens faster than we anticipate.  However, with my mom?  This has been a slow burning, many years of tried and tested waters.  Places where any other being would have dumped me to the curb, and left me feasting on trash.

I tested my mother.  Ohhhh, you have no idea.  I tested her deeply and truly.  I was a hellion in my early teens… I should have been kicked out.  I was manipulative, unkind, wreckless, and cruel.  I mean, maybe I wasn’t all those things all at once, but my heart was dark.  And my mother?  She did the right things… disciplined me.  Made me take responsibility.  Held me accountable. But, loved me in the process.  I always received praise at the right times.  Not for just the good I was doing, but for who I was.  She could see past my “yuck” and would point out that I had a strong personality.  She would compliment and punish me at the same time: “Ashley, I know that you weren’t the only one who vandalized that house.  But you are a natrual born leader.  And I hold you accountable for what you led your friends and influenced them to do.” Yeah.  That conversation happened.  Yeah.  I vandalized a house… (I was 12.)

There are few people who come into your life and fulfill so many roles at once.  Who you look back on, and go – wow… that was unconditional love.  That was truth.  That was strength.  My mom was that person.  Someone who would risk my affection, my love in order to love me wholly and truthfully.  She is a titan.  She is someone who, hands down, gets the gold medal in my hall of fame.  Someone who later became my friend, one of my closest friends, after my darkness waned.  Someone who was the very example of truth – admitting her mistakes, taking her own responsibility for things (even when it was horrifically uncomfortable for her to do so).  Sure, she tends to own a little more than what she should.  But that’s her heart.  Yes. I wish it would change.  I wish she would have better boundaries… But in her process, she taught me how to hold myself accountable. She taught me how to take responsibility and own my own shit – even when it’s terribly embarrassing and makes your very skin crawl.  She taught me truth.  She taught me honesty.  And it might be that this site doesn’t amount to much – but in reality?  I owe it all to her.  I owe it to her strength to take the lashings, but still give truth.  It changed me.  It changes me.  It’s transforming when I think back on it.  My mother taught me authenticity.  My mother taught me truth.

So back to my earlier point… You may not have a mother like this.  But perhaps you have a friend, a co-working, a mentor… someone.  Perhaps you have even gotten angry at them for some of the hard things they have said in the past.  Perhaps you have lashed out and ended a relationship because of it.  But can I ask you something?  Did something they say hold truth?  Sure, my mother wasn’t perfect 100% of the time… She might not have said things in the exact way and the exact manner I would have wanted them said.  But, I do know she said them with a full heart, and in truth and love backed her comments.  Can you look to see what someone has said and see their side?  Can you look to see if they were just trying their best to say the things that you needed to hear?  Perhaps your anger is misdirected?

I am grateful for my mom.  I am grateful for her deep integrity.  I am grateful for her example and her fearlessness (even when I know she has fear).  She in the midst of lonlieness, in the midst of fear, still somehow chooses truth.  And often, it IS douced in grace as well.

So cheers to you, Mom.  My best friend.  My counselor.  My greatest mentor.  My living example.  You are stunning.  I know you don’t always feel like you’re a living example… but you have no clue how much you have done for my soul.  I love you, Mom.

And I hope that any of you reading this post, have someone in your life like this.  Or maybe it’s someone you’ve pushed out because they were similiar to this, and giving you truth you may not have been ready to hear (and maybe truth delivered poorly, but deep down, you know their intention was good).  Perhaps you think about that scary feeling (i.e. fucking horrific, skin crawling feeling) of saying, “thank you.” And even, if you’re brave enough, “I’m sorry.”  Because if they are who you think they are?  You’ll probably be received into welcoming open arms.

Cheers to good peoples in the world who change our lives.