I love those mornings when you don’t have to be anywhere, have no immediate obligations and can take the day at your own pace. The perfect start to a New Year, for sure. (Happy New Year’s by the way.) I had an astrology reading back in November. It was pretty interesting and I really enjoyed the experience. How much faith and hope I put into astrology, I have not entirely determined. Especially since the field is littered with cheap versions of the sleazy, stereotypical, superficial tarot-card reading types you’d find adorned in woo-woo headdresses holding crystal balls in their seedy, dark, workspaces, preying on old or desperate women as they rake them for all their money. However, this reading was fascinating. I respected the astrologer, after researching her, since she had a psychoanalytic and art therapy background and a Masters in Counseling. The jury is still out on my absolute faith in astrology (shit, the jury is still out on my absolute faith in anything these days), but I am enjoying the exploration and learning phase of astrology at the moment, when I have the time. However, one of the things she mentioned in my chart reading that felt astutely applicable to my own life was that because I was born at 8:20pm, the world was in a transitionary state on a summer’s eve when I first graced my presence on the earth. The world was preparing for bed: changing into pjs, brushing…
It’s December 31st, 2018. Tomorrow marks the start of the New Year. I don’t make New Year’s resolutions. I am not one of those types of folks. I often joke that if I did, I’d share a kindred soul to Bridget Jones in this regard, “This year’s New Year’s resolution? Keep New Year’s resolutions.” But there is something in the air this year where my heart longs to make New Year’s resolutions. I likely won’t. I likely won’t stick to them, even if I make them. That, or I’ll make them vague enough that if I fail them, I won’t beat myself up. Or, perhaps I’ll just invoke some old (good) habits I used to do regularly, since I’m finally feeling a tinge of empowerment to do so after what feels like the longest and most arduous year of my life. Perhaps it’s not the resolutions that are in the air, at all though. Maybe it’s the star placement and the new nodal shift in the air. Maybe it’s just that a heavy year beckons change and alteration for a less heavy year. Perhaps it’s just that I am so ready for this year to come to a close, I can taste it. There is so much to be grateful for this past year. There is. But 2018 has also been beyond fucking challenging as…
Nothing can prepare you for this day. Nothing on God’s green earth. October 15th, Monday, around 5:30pm, I had to say goodbye forever to my sweet puppy, Gracie. The shattered soul I am left with is nearly unbearable. The grieving, the ache, the chaos and utter brokenness I feel is consuming. It started a little around 11am. My sweet baby girl, after a full meal with extra added canned yummy dog food, began throwing up. “Huh, that new food did not settle well with her.” I thought. I rubbed her sweet tummy, her back and cleaned up her vomit. She came into the room where I was working from home, and began shaking. I picked her up in my arms and she rested in them, shaking, and I felt her ears, her nose, her tummy. She was warm. I didn’t understand why she was shaking and not cold. She started moving around and seemed to want to get down, and so I gently placed her on the floor. She went into the other room and laid down in a dog bed. I looked up online what might be going on with her, and they said, wait about a few hours to see if the symptoms subside. A little later on, I checked her gums and her neck for dehydration as the online article suggested – all appeared healthy – she was responding well to those checks. She stopped shaking a little after an hour. All things pointed…
I’m mad. Not like, fiery, furious mad. But just really frustrated. There is a rebellion in my soul right now. The kind where I absolutely cannot make myself work. See? It’s 3:44pm right now on a Monday. I spent half of my Sunday the weekend before last working until 10pm. Which is fine. I wasn’t too upset about it – except for the fact that it was in Nashville and I had my last night with my best friend planned – but had to work. Luckily, she’s one of the bravest souls I know and has a deep comfort with exploring new towns (and cities… shit, and countries too!) on her own I have to admit – I do not have that level of curiosity and adventure. And she had a great time. And because I had a 7am call the next morning, I had a great time – in bed. On my last night of my girls trip. When I was supposed to be with my best friend. It was a long week last week. One of conferences for work and other work piled on top of that, and more work piled on top of that. I was exhausted this weekend. Tanked. But I made it. So, here I am, working from home, and I can’t seem to get myself to do much more. Sure, I took care of what needed to be taken care of (and still attending to things here and…
Sometimes I can’t shake The Burn. Actually, almost everyday, I carry it inside me. What is the Burn? Well, for starters it has taken up a lengthy residence in the center of my thoracic (chest) cavity. It lives a little closer to the chest surface, but it is definitely inside. Pretty sure it’s not indigestion (but I’m open to correction) as I’ve seemed to house it since I was around 16 years old. But rather, it’s more of this emotive sensation. I’d liken it to heat in my chest – sometimes scorching, searing hot and sometimes weak and exhausted – but always with a definite degree of warmth to it. It governs my life if I am honest. And well, seeing that’s kind of the title of my site and all – it seems like a fitting topic to discuss. As I mentioned, The Burn has been with me since I was 16. When I was 16, I became a wild christian zealot. Seriously. Praying in the hallways, Bible reading at the lunch table, talking to every person I came into contact with about Jesus, church every night they’d have me, orchestrating christian events at our high school, and even preaching a bit later on (pretty sure in a college speech class, I did a “how-to” speech on “How to Crucify Christ” so that I could evangelize to my class that he died for them…yeesh…cue embarassment…