It’s December 31st, 2018.  Tomorrow marks the start of the New Year.  

I don’t make New Year’s resolutions.  I am not one of those types of folks. I often joke that if I did, I’d share a kindred soul to Bridget Jones in this regard, “This year’s New Year’s resolution?  Keep New Year’s resolutions.” But there is something in the air this year where my heart longs to make New Year’s resolutions. I likely won’t. I likely won’t stick to them, even if I make them.  That, or I’ll make them vague enough that if I fail them, I won’t beat myself up. Or, perhaps I’ll just invoke some old (good) habits I used to do regularly, since I’m finally feeling a tinge of empowerment to do so after what feels like the longest and most arduous year of my life.

Perhaps it’s not the resolutions that are in the air, at all though. Maybe it’s the star placement and the new nodal shift in the air.  Maybe it’s just that a heavy year beckons change and alteration for a less heavy year. Perhaps it’s just that I am so ready for this year to come to a close, I can taste it.

There is so much to be grateful for this past year.  There is. But 2018 has also been beyond fucking challenging as well.  I have lost my dog, my little, sweet love. I have had to take and learn, yet another, new job.  I have struggles with the new job and questioning if I really have the energy to continue to work for them, or if I am doing the job well at all. It’s been a hard, hard year in the work arena for sure.  I have stopped going to jiu-jitsu (I guess I am not jiu-jitsu).  I have mostly stopped working out.  I have put on about 10 lbs. I lost a lot of my muscle mass that made me feel quite confident. I am asking myself if I’m an alcoholic right now (probs).  I have let a lot of close relationships suffer from lack of time and energy, and have failed to let a many other relationships deepen that I had hoped to put time and energy into.  I have not reached my debt goals I had set for this year… In fact, I packed on more debt somehow. I haven’t bought that motorcycle I wanted to buy. I haven’t taken that pottery wheel class I hoped to take. I haven’t written consistently the way I envisioned.  And I haven’t been able to really engage my soul’s meaning the way I had fully hoped to do (let’s be honest. I have been planning on doing this for the past 10 years… that seems to be a consistent yearly failure).

Life isn’t all doom and gloom.  Apart from the tar-walking, will-anything-seem-to-go-right year, there are many good things I am grateful for.  I bought a new home with my guy. He has officially been clean from pornography for 2 years as of December 16th.  I still have 2 wildly healthy and happy pups. I have started 2 new outside focuses with friends and family – a start to the soul purpose (thetruthandthechaos.com and another side business idea, Just Gotta Say…)! I had the opportunity to travel to a few new places, and experience new things with family and friends.  And of course all the basics… I have my day to day bills paid, my next meals are accounted for, shelter over my head, running vehicles, etc.

But my God, am I ready for 2018 to kiss my ass.  I’m looking at 2019 like a desperate school-girl at the middle school dance, begging for her crush to come and ask her to dance (because then I’ll be happy!)  Perhaps this is too much pressure to put on 2019.  Regardless, I am so desperate for this year to be over.  So ready.

I can’t say that I’ll immediately do anything differently.  Of course my mind falls prey to the bullshit societal belief that tomorrow I will stop drinking!  Tomorrow I will eat healthy and begin my workout journey once again.  Shit, tomorrow I’ll start to do all the things I have ever finally wanted to do to make my life feel like I am valuable and worth breathing the air I so selfishly inhale!

But that’s all bullshit.  You know it. I know it. Everyone who ever joined that new gym membership at the start of a new year knows it (Okay, Karen may have done it finally, but fuck Karen.  She’s the outlier). Doesn’t mean it’s bad to try. Just means, I’ve been around the block enough to know that I am full of shit when I say or think those things. Actual human tendencies of depression, laziness, or exhaustion seem to be bigger than my momentary motivations.

Regardless, I still have hope.  Maybe I’ll meet someone that will alter the course of my life (like a mentor, or someone to push a business in a new direction)?  Maybe I’ll learn something new that completely changes my direction and life focus (I finally have realized my purpose for this life!)?  Maybe I’ll finally write that no-name, no-subject determined book I have always wanted to write? Who knows? These things are unlikely to actually happen, though.  Because in my experience, I’ve always been the one who has to bust ass and pound the pavement and bust doors open (which sucks when you don’t have the energy to even go searching for a door to begin with, such as I have this past year).  But maybe I’ll finally have a shift in direction? Hell, maybe I’ll finally stop hoping for these “maybe” scenarios. Jesus. That’s it. I need to stop hoping for these maybe scenarios. They are nothing more than looking at reels of social media snippets that leave me feeling like what I have is just not good enough.

I’m not quite sure what this looks like.  Perhaps it requires more work of the mind and heart that still has yet to be done. Perhaps it’s a mental shift into realizing that life, in this moment, as it is, is actually good.  Perhaps I can finally convince my heart and my head that I am actually, doing okay. I am okay. Perhaps I can teach myself to find joy in the days of sadness. To find hope in the deep frustrations of momentary despair.  If I could stop putting my hope in another thing, what would that do for me? I’d likely stop comparing myself to some future version of myself who always gets her shit straight, that’s for sure. Perhaps it’s okay to be a little fat.  Perhaps it’s healthy to have goals I still haven’t reached yet. Perhaps life is served best with a little dissatisfaction in the way you currently are. Perhaps it’s something to rejoice in that you still have things you want to accomplish.

Perhaps life is served best with a little dissatisfaction in the way you currently are. Perhaps it’s something to rejoice in that you still have things you want to accomplish.

I’m not saying this is easy.  Especially for someone like me, who knows they suffer from mild depression.  There is nothing harder than trying to force yourself to believe something you just don’t internally believe at the moment.  It feels false. It feels duplicitous. But, there is truth in both sides of all of those things. Just because I experienced some depression this year and it knocked me off my game, doesn’t mean I am out of the game.  Just means I need to rest a little on the sidelines. Just because I have had severe wrestles in the work I’ve produced doesn’t mean I have lost value or progress in my life. Just means I have learned (or am learning) or grown (and growing) from those experiences, and I am still on my path to working out how to live and operate authentically in this world. Just because I allowed myself to grieve the death of my sweet, baby girl pup, doesn’t mean I’ve lost that time I had with her… Nay, I have experienced both the wonder and beauty of having her and as well as one more aspect of what life has to offer us – the deep pain in the loss of a loved one.  And Oh, how I experienced it fully. And just because I am not where I really want to be, doesn’t mean I haven’t come far in where I am. Nope, just means I can try to celebrate what I have accomplished, and continue to move forward and press on towards changing the things in my life that still aren’t quite aligning to my heart and values.

So what can be done in this new year for me?  Well, first of all, I’ve gotta try to keep casting off the false hopes of the Maybe.  I have to take the good with all the bad. But, I have to see that good. Like, really SEE it. I have to recognize that, yes, life isn’t always what we want, but also help myself by training my brain to see it for what it is, too.  It’s not easy. It’s taken me a few hours this morning as I sludge through this post, working through it in my head on on my computer, trying to identify what it is that I actually am attempting to say… You think this post just seemingly slipped out of my head and onto the page?  Not at all. This post took a shit ton of edits, questioning the direction and integrity of my words, scrapping this, and changing that. It’s a process. All of it is a process. And it still isn’t perfect. What hurts us is when we stop enjoying the process, right? What hurts us is when we make blanket, snap judgements about who we are and why we are that way, without taking into consideration what truly good, beautiful and wonderful things we really are, or have done.  

So, Cheers to celebrating the good and accepting the bad. Cheers to looking back at a year, when my first gut reaction is to slay and degrade my sad place in the world, and instead looking for all the areas in my life in which I did quite alright.  Cheers to trying to find the joy in the process and striving forward with grace – to yourself, and to others.

Cheers to scrapping the false hope of the Maybe’s, and honoring the Did’s.