I love those mornings when you don’t have to be anywhere, have no immediate obligations and can take the day at your own pace.  The perfect start to a New Year, for sure. (Happy New Year’s by the way.)

I had an astrology reading back in November.  It was pretty interesting and I really enjoyed the experience.  How much faith and hope I put into astrology, I have not entirely determined.  Especially since the field is littered with cheap versions of the sleazy, stereotypical, superficial tarot-card reading types you’d find adorned in woo-woo headdresses holding crystal balls in their seedy, dark, workspaces, preying on old or desperate women as they rake them for all their money.  However, this reading was fascinating. I respected the astrologer, after researching her, since she had a psychoanalytic and art therapy background and a Masters in Counseling.

The jury is still out on my absolute faith in astrology (shit, the jury is still out on my absolute faith in anything these days), but I am enjoying the exploration and learning phase of astrology at the moment, when I have the time. However, one of the things she mentioned in my chart reading that felt astutely applicable to my own life was that because I was born at 8:20pm, the world was in a transitionary state on a summer’s eve when I first graced my presence on the earth.  The world was preparing for bed: changing into pjs, brushing teeth, winding down and preparing to enter a restful state. She said this is likely how I am wired.

She asked if this resonated with me by leading me with questions such as, “Do you often find yourself wanting to be in preparation for anything you take on?  Do you feel like you have to take time to transition into changes mentally and physically?” among a few other questions… Ummm… hell to the motha-fucking-yes.  This is me through and through and it was certainly an interesting take on why and how I may be wired this way. I also have thought that on most days it’s basically me, in an arms race, trying to get back to bed.  This specific revelation of words describing my state surfaced after a very brief comment I heard by Lena Dunham while listening to her hilarious and yet powerful interview on Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard (the entire podcast can be found here).  When she made this comment, something immediately connected to that concept.  Couple that with the words and questions the astrologer made in observation on my chart? I was like, huh, this is interesting.  I really like preparation time, and I always feel like I am just “trying to get back to bed.”

This morning I woke up (way too late, I might add, from last night’s celebratory shenanigans in Downtown Dallas with Aly, my guy, mom and a few new friends, as we rung in the New Year) and noticed a new person had liked a few of the posts I have recently written on our new blog site, The Truth and The Chaos.  I went to her site, https://speak766.wordpress.com/, and just got lost for a while reading her very powerful story of being abused by an ex-boyfriend, and her journey since.  I went all the way back on her blog and read and read. (While I haven’t had her direct experience, she wrote so fluidly, candidly, and I was moved by her words and poetry. And I loved the connection and gratitude I felt for her words.  It brought be back instantly to my own experience, Groping at the Next Chapter…)

However, while lost in her writing, I had this interrupting and anxious thought, “Do I have to be anywhere?  What am I neglecting by enjoying this?” and immediately felt that pressure to hurry up and finish. It took a moment for my brain to catch up and remind me that no, today is New Year’s day.  It’s okay that you slept until 11am. It’s okay that you aren’t pushed to get your day started and that you’re still in bed, in your pjs and engaging the world. You have time. You have all the time you want today (until, of course, I have to begin preparing for bed again tonight and start planning – with anxiety – about how my day at work will look like tomorrow when I have to be up, alert, and “on”).  But, ohhh, I relish those moments. I absolutely adore that moment when you have an anxious thought that you’re forgetting something, letting some responsibility slip, and realize, No. You’re exactly where you need to be, right now. In bed, expanding your mind and expressing your thoughts. You have no outside pressures demanding your time in this moment. Oh, the fucking bliss. And what a beautiful New Year’s Day gift it was.

And so I got up, grabbed another cup of lukewarm coffee (since my guy who made it, was up 3 hours earlier than I was), came back to bed with laptop in hand, and read some more.  And it was perfect.

I am a natural overachiever, as I have previously written, so I love (like, maybe unhealthily so) productivity and efficiency.  But this often deeply conflicts with my other soul’s value of freedom. As it stands in my current life situation, someone else (my company) has complete ownership of my time and demands my focused attention to something I don’t really care about for the majority of my waking days (and even more so forces me to get up, and “be ready” according to what is socially acceptable – yuck). And this productivity/efficiency value greatly serves my company because I am naturally highly responsible and will meet their outer expectations to get the work done (thus, I will force myself to get up and get ready, and to give my attention to those objectives that I don’t entirely value).  However, this leaves me completely depleted in the freedom realm – draining my energy and sometimes, quite literally, depressed to face the days (like, crying while driving into work, depressed). The reading & writing (i.e. days like today), where I am giving my full time and attention to things that deeply matter to me, and conducting such things in the manner in which I truly desire (like, in my pjs) deeply serves my freedom, but leaves me completely depleted in the financial realm (since I can’t sustain my livelihood from this type of freedom, of course – thus making it [appear] unproductive).

I think that is the big dilemma I am trying to reconcile in my life. To live a life that allows me to own the flow of my day, productive to the things that truly matter to me, even if my “productivity” is showcased while in my pjs and still in bed (of course, not for every day – Being in pjs is just a metaphor for freedom).

I do feel like this is a massive struggle at this point in my life. And I know that I can’t have absolute freedom (always doing what I want – even if it’s technically productive – when I want to do it – because that’s irresponsible and wouldn’t pay the bills), nor can I have absolute productivity and make a butt load of money doing the things I don’t care about like my current job (because that is currently sucking my life’s soul from me).  And to be honest, I am so tired of pretending that I care more about it than I really do… However, my job is a blessing in disguise as well since I absolutely wouldn’t want my livelihood dependent on my creative expressive outlets.  Because, then I may compromise my quality of creativity, in service to what would pay the bills.  And I know me.  And I would sadly, likely, do this.

So, this year, I continue on the path.  What other choice do I have in this moment?  I know tomorrow morning I will wake up, get ready, and be “on”, completing demanding work to something that is just depleting, and still try to squeeze out the lifeblood I do have left to the things that won’t pay the bills – at least for now.  I am not moronic enough to just up and quit, becoming a burden to my lover and family financially (again), but I also know that I don’t have much time left in me for the push/pull of this conflict. Something has to change. Something will have to break. That may be me, that may be my job, that may be taking a less well-paying job that doesn’t demand so much but still gives me enough lifeblood to press on in my heart’s true desired direction, or that may be something else entirely.  All I know? Something has to give, and it has to give soon.

Not sure what it is yet, but this is the struggle, right?  We can’t always get what we want. And maybe right now, this pressure cooker of conflict is currently just what I need.  It’s the pressure cooker of the straw that will likely very soon break the camel’s back. And I am at peace with that, today, on day one of 2019.  And yes this peace comes with all the  fear, excitement, and frustration at what may lie ahead.

But let’s see where this goes, 2019.  Let’s see where it goes.

Cheers.