I’ve been there before. That place “In Between.” Different scenarios, of course have this identification, but I’m referring to that in-between place of my career and living in this almost “no mans land.” It took me around a year – actually a little over a year – before I found my next path on the first go-round. It was challenging. It was demoralizing. It was hard. However, that next time (with the grope) was different, in that I had it kind of happen to me, rather than a choice I made to get me there. However, that wasn’t my first rodeo folks.

The first time I chose it. I chose to branch off, and create that kind of career that I believed would propel me into my own business, and would kick-off my new found life – doing creative work and living the dream. I was working at a soul sucking job in the financial industry, and just up and quit. Well, that’s not exactly true. It was pondered for over a year before I actually made the leap. I contemplated it, I agonized over it. I watched other people leave and take new positions and I remember how jealous I felt. I was dying at that job. I hated every day there, except for the great co-workers I had – they were a big reason I stayed around way longer than I needed. But the actual work killed me. Dried me up and just left me depleted at the end of each day. It was awful. So, I turned in my notice.  Fast forward really quickly – ironically, I plummeted in that pursuit and I took a nose dive even further down. I sought an Master’s in Fine Arts degree and was rejected by every school I applied for (3 of them). I sold my house to live off the proceeds while I shacked back up with my mother for the year and took more classes in the arts.  I jumped! I leaped! And sadly, I found myself as lost as ever, falling flat on my face. And realizing that the specific focus in the arts I chose wasn’t actually what my heart loved.  Don’t get me wrong, I love the arts, but I was pursuing a very specific studio fine art path, and while I still love to create, I found the path I was choosing just wasn’t “fitting.” It was akin to that old adage: forcing a square block into a round hole. I decided to cease that pursuit which would require I blow an additional $30-70K on more schooling. And of course, then, I got desperate – financially speaking.  Lost, more than ever, and without income, I began applying to every job I could. Eventually my applications turned into ones that I knew my soul would die in. And through a connection, and after well over 30+ application rejections (all over the US), I ended up back in the financial world, where I was sure my soul would be crushed again. I was convinced this life was all I had to look forward to – that I had pigeon holed myself into this industry and this realm. And I was heartbroken.

But let’s backtrack… No one talks about this time in their stories – the terrifying in-between. It can be dark. It can wreak havoc on your emotional and mental well-being. It makes you feel like a complete loser. It, at least for me, the first round, was filled with getting fat, drinking too much and this panic and dread of every day watching my bank account dwindle. Working out was a challenge. Going out was not even slightly desirable. I watched Netflix, binged on food, and cried. A lot. So many tears. All the tears. I read a lot, too. I think I finished around 10 books that year and countless articles – mostly on figuring out what you’re good at or what your strengths are, how to excel, how to succeed or how to be just, better.  I enrolled in programs online, taking advice from anyone I could find about finding their next step in their career from these self-proclaimed “experts.” None of which, spoke my language or pulled me from the abyss. I asked myself all the questions, “If money wasn’t an object, what would you do?,” “What do you do in your spare time that makes you zone out lose track of time?,” “Visualize yourself in the future with your perfect day – what does it look like?,” “What are you reading when you’re not forced to?” Blah, blah, blah.  I actually got horrifically sick of asking myself those types of questions, because I GENUINELY DIDN’T KNOW. I mean, I knew the answer to some of those. Fun fact – I can literally blow a whole afternoon reading on leadership, emotional intelligence, healthy interpersonal relationships, boundaries, values, character, etc… (Here’s where everyone chants “Go to school for psychology, or sociology!” But realistically, I didn’t see a future there with the time and resources I had. I was mid 30s – not with all the additional schooling I’d need and with limited time after that to build a practice – and did I even WANT to build a practice? How would I pay for this school when I am already $30K in debt from my MBA and BGS degrees?). It was infuriating and incredibly discouraging. See? My entire life I have wrestled with my career. I have gone back and forth and viewed with the greatest of envy those who knew exactly what they wanted to be (doctor, writer, police officer, firefighter, etc.) because I had no fucking clue.  I am a person that enjoys so many things. A jack-of-all-trades, if you will. Whatever I get into, I do very well at (apparently except at fine art according to the universities I applied for). Which makes things very confusing. I just was in this place where I knew this behavior and this In-between wasn’t “me” but that I didn’t know how to get up. I didn’t know how to (re)jumpstart my life. My friends and family watched me wither for that year. They watched as I drank myself away, lamented my life and spun into the darkness further and further.

I can’t tell you how scary it is to be there. Lost. Actually, “lost” seems so trivial a word when trying to describe the complete darkness and chaos in my soul during that time. Depression, fear, anxiety, exhaustion – those were all my friends…

I never did really find MY new path. I just kind of stumbled over into the next 2.5 years with those next 2 jobs. The first job I landed after that “leap” was referred over by a friend of my mothers. It was a good paying job, and although into an industry I didn’t care for (I cried of defeat of being offered  into that industry after my interview), it was something. I was a month away from having to declare bankruptcy and I was desperate at this point. But something strange happened to me over those next 2 years with those next 2 jobs.  The second I started that first position, my life LIT up, inexplicably.  I have no clue why, but I found myself excited and confident. It was a new position, one I hadn’t held before, so I found myself actually excited about learning it (mostly because I LOVE to learn new things). I wanted to start dating (I hadn’t dated in 2 years following my divorce. Not ONE date). I wanted to go out – I would meet my best friend in the city for drinks on almost every night of the week.  I lost 30 lbs. and gained 10 lbs of muscle lifting and working out regularly. I ate like a champ and I felt on top of the god damned world. I felt invincible, life was full of magic and opportunity. I met the love of my life and had the confidence to seek a new job (job #2) and stand up to my shitty boss at that time, and quit that place. I learned to respect myself and not tolerate demeaning and demoralizing behavior from management. I have no clue why or how this happens.  Sometimes you just hit a good year, and man, was that a good year. I knew that those next two jobs weren’t my “Fit” either, but I didn’t mind during that year.  I knew that it was a “fit” to help propel me out of my horrible darkness (even though I didn’t really find it greatly fulfilling and had a horrible she-boss – you know the kind: only cares about the bottom line, pleasing her superior, and belittling and demeaning her employees in the process). And I knew that the second job was a “fit” to help me learn and grow my skills (which was actually wildly fulfilling up until the end). And of course that second job I had landed didn’t end well… but it did move me forward in my career opening up new opportunities.  And I am grateful for both: They each were a “fit” for that time. And they ended up being fun distractions to my deeply discouraging search for my path. And I loved the experience and new insights I gained from both positions. But after that second job had ended with the grope, I thought… “Whoa. This is it. This must be it – The universe is about to give me my new path! I am about to start my own thing or I must be ready to run with some business idea!” See?  I have deeply wished to start my own business or own thing… But that’s not been the case. Sadly.

As I moved forward, I found myself in a new season far removed from those pursuits.  After the gropse, I was searching for a new position.  But that time was different. I had a wonderful supporting partner, who carried the financial load while I hunted for my next job, and giving me freedom to find my dream business opportunity. Don’t get me wrong – it was hard – we had to combine phone plans, change insurance, change over internet – all to save a few bucks. We are weren’t “strapped,” but we definitely weren’t comfortable either. But, he requested I be “picky” in my pursuit, and we weren’t utterly sinking financially. The depression was very present at first, of course – just because of the way I had to leave my last job – but that second time was just a little easier than when I took the first “leap”. Probably since we were not faced with the sheer panic of bankruptcy – that seemed to help reduce the crazy anxiety… But, Yes, I struggled with the working out. Yes, I struggled with motivation to search for jobs most days. Yes, I met again with those damning questions of my worth and value. Yes, I expereienced major stress of not making forward progress towards our debt the way we had planned. So, eventtually landed my next interview… and Yes, I stressed that they were not going to make me an offer. And yes, I was stressed that they WERE going to make me an offer.

And welcome to the wrestle in my head at that time:

If they did offer me the position, am I again just taking another job to distract me from finally cracking the “code” of my path? But who’s to say it’s not the job that would open doors for an idea, or my path/pursuit? Who’s to say that it’s wasn’t the “fit” I was seeking? Or the next “fit right now?” What if it’s not? Am I wasting valuable time?

I realized at that time that nothing is ever 100% choice or 100% fate. It’s always a little of both mixed up (maybe not even always a 50/50 mix). And as it stood, that was the ONLY opportunity presenting itself in the In-between (that I could see, anyway). So I resolved to trust the combo of choice and fate given to me there. I guess, I chose to trust choice and fate since I hadn’t fully come to a place where I was ready to officially pursue one thing on my own, yet again. Which in and of itself creates sadness and evoked feelings of failure. I mean, I used the time in between jobs to plug away at some personal endeavors (more art, writing, research and asking myself some of those old questions again), but I came to the conclusion, that if offered, I would need to take the job – if not at the very least to help us kill our financial debt. And If not offered, I would continue to trek on in the In-between – with uncertainty, doubt, discouragement, stress and fear as my close counterparts – and see just what the fuck happens next.

So, if you’re in this place, or any place similar to mine, don’t completely despair. You’re not alone. Clearly we all don’t figure out the “In-between” right away – and I am wondering if some of us just never do, or maybe we give up. And that is ok – At least I hope that it’s ok. I suppose only time eventually tells. But call me a hopeless romantic in my pursuit of career – I still believe that the next chapter is coming, just as one year of darkness paved the way for one year of sheer joy and magic for me in my own life. Yes, it was short lived, but it taught me a lot and also provided me this wonderful world with my guy, who held my hand during that next tumultous time. And yes, that was the second time of the in-between for me, but it’s likely a third and fouth will be in my future.  However, I truly do believe that if I never try, then I never will. And I certainly don’t expect us to succeed at every endeavor we take on. That’s unrealistic. But, just that we try. I believe wholeheartedly that the universe has our best interests in mind, and it will clear the path, teach our hearts and ultimately, that we will move out from the In-between.