Sometimes life throws you some deeply unwanted curveballs.  An emotional rollercoaster of events in such a concentrated amount of time can change the trajectory of your life as you know it. It’s ok. I had been seeing the change in the distance looming nearer and nearer during the time this all had occurred, I just had no idea it was going to crash up against me the way it did.

Let’s go back to a time when I thought I had found myself at pretty much the top of my game in my career. I had secured a great income and had worked my way up in my career over the course of a year that had found me working directly with the CEO and COO of a wildly successful startup company,  I was helping them form a leadership team, of which I was a key player. I was in heaven. I was seeing the business from the ground up – something I had huge sights set on. I had lofty goals of working in this type of company, industry and within this leadership role back then. It was hugely rewarding. The problem? My CEO.

I had arrived to a hotel for a conference that week, and made my way immediately to the hotel bar where I met my co-workers and my CEO for a few drinks. My CEO decided that he would take it upon himself to reach out and touch my ass 3 times. Drunk, and distastefully, he groped my ass in front of 4 other co-workers. I was humiliated, frozen in fear, devastated and furious, all in the course of an hour.

Did this really just happen? Did he really just make a move on me at this conference? I feel completed disgusted. I am completely humiliated. This fucker just made it look like I am sleeping with the boss to get to where I am at. Fucking hell, what the hell do I do?  How do I get out of this situation?

Not only am a I major advocate for women’s rights and securing our future against fear and the entitled mentality of men, but this just took things to a whole new level for me. He was in a position of power. He dangled my income and my livelihood in his hands. And this fucker just sexually assaulted me. No go, little “big” man. No go. After a hysterical tearful explanation of events to my boyfriend the moment I got back up to my hotel room, he booked me a ticket home for the next day. My god, my man was my rock through this.

This man (CEO) was married (likely still is). To the COO and the HR lead at the time. What the fuck was I supposed to do with this? I had ENORMOUS amounts of respect for his wife. She had been someone I admired and looked up to and was intently eager to learn from. I saw her as a strong woman, she seemed to be a great mother and she did a shit ton for this excuse of a man, who didn’t deserve an ounce of her help. She loved him, and showed an incredible amount of respect towards him as a leader and a CEO. That, in and of itself is huge testimony to who she was – or at least who I thought she was.

It’s not that he was always this sleaze ball of a man. Hell, he might have been and I just chose not to see it. Actually, there were a few small signs before this incident that things weren’t right. Signs in my gut that were flagging me to caution but I didn’t give much weight to. A separate incident at a company party where he slid his hand down my arm (wiping some drink on me that he clumsily spilt on his hand) while smiling at me. That gave me the heebie jeebies for sure. I just quickly left and got out of there. Another time when a text exchange after a company happy hour left me feeling a little off… Why is he giving me one-on-one attention? Maybe this is just the way it is in leadership positions, you get to be more friendly. But ehhh, something just feels off… But the shitty thing is, I respected this man for the most part. I protected his reputation and esteemed him when I could. I learned from him (which I am grateful for). Things to do and things not to do in leadership, the trials of a startup business and how to move fast and effectively, how to think quickly and respond even quicker. I helped him day in and day out make that company more profitable, efficient, and productive. I helped him and I took immense amounts of pride in the work I did there. I was grateful to have worked in that position. And with one (3) touch(es), he crumbled that for me. He stripped me of everything I did, demeaning me to a sexual object and being in a professional atmosphere, and for that, any shred of respect I had for him? Poof… gone.

I’d love to see how my CEO would react to a bigger, stronger, boss who is a gay male, groping him. Although, knowing the typical fine taste of gay men, that likely wouldn’t happen… But, that, fucker, is exactly what you did to me. I wish I would have decked him.  But self defense, sadly seems not to be my trauma response.  At least not to someone in power over me and that I know on a semi-personal level.

Men (most, not all) tend to have no idea what it’s like being a woman in a man’s world.  Sure, great strides have been made in lieu of women’s rights, but we still aren’t there. Gavin De Becker, in his book The Gift of Fear, writes, “Women, particularly in big cities, live with a constant wariness. Their lives are literally on the line in ways men just don’t experience. Ask some man you know, ‘When is the last time you were concerned or afraid that another person would harm you?’ Many men cannot recall an incident within years. Ask a woman the same question and most will give you a recent example or say, ‘Last night,’ ‘Today,’ or even ‘Every day.'” Men still tend to have a general misconception that we are here for them and that they are entitled to us, to our bodies, to command from us certain things. That just because we have bodies, they are for their pleasure and for them to gawk and touch. That we exist to serve and satisfy them, completely disregarding our lives, our contributions, our talents as professionals and individuals. De Becker continues, “At core, men are afraid women will laugh at them, while at core, women are afraid men will kill them.”

So, no help from the EEOC and filing as a sexual harassment charge by the way (it has to be two separate incidents), even though it happened 3 times, and I turned to him the second and said “No, Please.” (His response? “No?” smiling. I repeated myself, “Please, no.” and he smugly crossed his arms and smiled and said “Ok.” Only to fucking reach over and touch my ass yet a third time.)  That all counted as just one incident… and this, does not constitute “harassment” according to the EEOC investigator I spoke with back then. I needed to report it. To HR (his wife). And then I needed to place myself back into the position to test to see whether the sexual assault occurred again. WTF?! Our legal protective system at work, folks. Let’s put her back in the line of danger JUST TO SEE if he won’t touch her completely inappropriately again, violating her personal human boundaries and subjecting her to further trauma and humiliation. Basically, the first grope is free, but the second could cost you.  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Nope. Not sexual harassment.  If I were to pursue it, it had to be fought as a sexual assault charge.

Talk about making it hard for the person who had this happen to them.

Just for the record, (bolding emphasis my own) “Sexual assault is any type of sexual contact or behavior that occurs without the explicit consent of the recipient. Falling under the definition of sexual assault are sexual activities as forced sexual intercourse, forcible sodomy, child molestation, incest, fondling, and attempted rape.” – Department of Justice, https://www.justice.gov/ovw/sexual-assault

The things that bothered me the most? Of course, the night it happened and how fucking helpless I felt. I froze. My adrenaline skyrocketed. A past trauma triggered and ignited – rushing me back to being 12 or 13 on the bus ride home, when I was touched by a boy who lived in my neighborhood and was 2 grades higher than me. He had placed his hand down my shorts and inserted his fingers in me. I wanted to cry, to puke, to scream, but I froze and sat there, with no clue on what to do. I just wanted and begged the unknown forces at work, to be home. Why didn’t I say anything? Because I had a crush on this boy. But he didn’t know that. He just took what he wanted and violated me. It makes you feel dirty, terrified, violated and guilty. Even though I didn’t welcome it, I didn’t consent, I didn’t know what to do as a young, sexually inexperienced kid. And I hid in that shame for a long time. Eventually I confessed to my now boyfriend. We talked about it, we cried together about it. We talked through that incident further with my counselor, together… And eventually my counselor and I would talk about this incident too.  But what made me upset about the CEO incident, is I did the same thing. I froze. I did say no, but it wasn’t forceful. I did try to do something, but it wasn’t regarded. I was ignored. And I just sat there, my trauma response in full swing, waiting for my opportunity to leave and book it back to my hotel room. My counselor said of the incident,  “don’t be hard on yourself for what you didn’t do.  When you have a response that triggers or causes trauma, we can’t help how we react.” So I rested in that. I tried to rest in that at the time.

The other thing that really got my goad, is the fact that he discredited my hard work as an individual and contributor to the company and created gender discrimination. He took a professional atmosphere and sexualized it. Dis-fucking-gusting. How awful. And he did it in front of other co-workers, even though I am not sure they saw it (no one spoke up that I know of, anyway). Shitbag. He took my hard work and my long hours and my time and dedication and reduced me, my character, my reputation, to appearing like I got to where I am by sleeping with the boss. Fuck that. I was more than that. And I’d never have, in any world, slept with some insignificant piece of shit like you – you disgust me. With your creepy drunk smile and your complete lack of human awareness… gross. That man had the power of my income. That man was married, to someone I held in the highest regard. That man abused his position and his perceived accomplishments as an entitlement to my ass.

fuck. you.

Lastly, that man hurt my family and closest friends and made them furious and angry with his actions. Not only that, but your wife!!! You don’t deserve her. You are a shit bag. And have issues and need to figure a way to get them fixed. Good god, I hope you have sought the help you need to get your shit in order and the help you need in to stop demoralizing and subjecting women to their bodies.

He took my income.  He took my independence for a brief while. He partially took my dignity and evoked a great amount of distress, but no more.  I have moved forward – onward and upward – with my life. I am no longer subject to him in anyway. I no longer give him my presence. He no longer has access to me and can no longer affect me in anyway that I don’t choose. I got the fuck out.

So, onward and upward was my mantra then and continues to be.  Here’s to that younger me who was left groping at the next chapter of her life…

Cheers.