There is a theme in my life. It’s overachieving. Yes, Yes.  I know… That sounds arrogant. Especially following my confessed failures in my last post. But it’s true. Sometimes our greatest strength is also our deepest vice. Or in my case – my curse.

So, what is overachieving? Glad you asked.  Let’s get personal.

It’s what it looks like when I have a day off, but I at LEAST have to get the dishes done, or make the bed because I have to achieve something on a day off – no matter how big or small. It’s what it looks like when I work full time, attend grad school full time, and take far too many 5-week, Saturday-only courses (back to back) just to ensure that 4.0 GPA. Which, in turn, made me neglect my family and friends for “necessary” study time. It’s what it looks like when I absolutely lose my cool and fly off into a crying fit when I make a 64 on a test in grad school, that had me looking through each question, cross referencing with the chapters, taking screen shots, and sending a lengthy discourse email to my teacher explaining (in tears) that none of the test covered any material in the assigned chapters (he had accidentally uploaded the wrong test. It was discarded. I made an A in the class). It’s what it looks like when I take an interest in practicing hoodoo* with stones, oils, candles and petitions, and I have to get all the books, and research all the most authentic ways it’s been done, it’s history, and the best ways to do it – to which my best friend labels me the “Overachieving Witch” (please see my disclaimer below on hoodoo) – only to find that I am now making it a chore/obligation and must consciously force myself to reduce it’s frequency due to the stress of not making enough candles, or making them perfectly each time. Its what it looks like when I give 60+ hours to my job that hasn’t asked for it, frankly, didn’t really need it, just so I can ensure that they know my character, work ethic, and commitment, as I pick up extra duties and overload my own plate – to the detriment of my relationship at home (to which my counselor calls me out on). I subsequently feel incredibly overwhelmed because now I don’t know how to now give more time/attention/effort to him too, since giving less to my job is currently not an option in my mind. Or, on the flip side, it is when I give far too much in my relationship (because work isn’t super demanding and now I have time to focus on the relationship), carrying the emotional load for both of us and find myself gassing out at the non-reciprocity I think I am owed because I “feel” he’s not paying attention to my every thought and emotion as I am doing for him – at the expense of my own boundaries and self-care. It’s what it looks like when I tanked so hard in my artistic pursuit – because I  give 120% to it, quitting my job and diving straight in, throwing every single one of those little fucking eggs in that damned basket with no reserve, only to be lost on the other side when it isn’t the right fit.

<Deep Breath>

I could keep going. There are countless stories I have on this… but I think you get the point.

I commit. I am all in. But then? I completely burnout, and drop. It’s a pattern. And it’s precisely why I find myself constantly terrified to work for someone else – someone else’s mission and vision. It’s because I am haunted of what I am deeply aware, resides in me. And I am just not sure how to turn it off. And do I really want to give that to some random job? One I don’t really believe in? I feel this deep loyalty to what I choose to pursue – because I have given my word. And I value my word. But it’s also the reason why one of my coping mechanisms is, instead of fixing the problem, I have just learned to go around it by being very choosy in what I commit to now (yay boundaries! I at least can say “no”… to most things, just not usually the right things, every time). But for some reason, I can’t say no to work. And I can’t figure out if I should.

So, where’s the balance here? It’s good that I am an overachiever on some levels. That doesn’t even need any justification or clarification, really. I get shit done. But am I battling a problem I have (with too much commitment to work or a job), or am I battling the ethics of what I put that effort into?

I’ve talked with my therapist about it – at least the burnout. She gives me some good tools (well, they logically sound good to me) – but of course, the tools also sound greek to me. I have no clue what she means when she tells me to “give 60% at your job at first (when you get a new job), and don’t give more than 80%.” That sounds awesome. Yes! But what the fuck does that even mean? How? How do you give 60% when your very fiber is wired to pump at a steady 100%, even 120% before combustion?  And so, when I was in the middle of a wrestle on deciding whether or not I would take an offer for a past job I had interviewed for, I was scared. Because if I got offered the job, I could already see the burnout and I hadn’t even started! I didn’t even know the first step, honestly, of how to pull back. Of course, she helped me through that – identifying ways I could tell when I am giving way too much (be sure to be home by X time, turn off emails after X time, take your full lunch, use all your given time off days, etc., etc… But, But, But, my mind raced with, “what if you don’t send that last email?! And then you forget?! And then you have a whole other slew of things you need to get done the next day, and… but won’t the work start piling up?  HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU’VE ACHIEVED UNLESS IT GETS DONE???”). But, it’s something I needed to practice, regardless. To not fear losing the stability I have “achieved” with a job (is any job really stable?). To roll with the punches and continue to choose my health first. However… what if I gave that time, that effort, to myself? To a business I might be able to actually get off the ground?

To look at these, here is where I employed my reliance on my belief in the mix of choice and fate. I reasoned, If it’s fated that I was offered that job, I would choose to take it and try to implement my tools (I still wanted to pay off debt, remember? Which had been a long standing goal for me for years). And I would try to give that extra 40 – 60% to work on my business on the side, family and relationships. If it’s fated that I was not offered that job, then I would choose to try to give my 60-80% (which would be more like 80-90%, let’s be honest) to my own business and work (maybe throw in a part time job or something) – to something I really, truly believed in, might have more stamina to endure, and can be my own boss and take the time off as desired/needed.

So, here we go, I prayed. Come on universe… Let’s do this. Make up your mind, and give me your verdict (the waiting was the worst part!). So what does one do while in the wait?  Well, of course I went to make some candles about it… But simply resolved to be less obsessive about it.

Cheers.

*disclaimer: never do I even want to do/try/think about any of the dark side of the hoodoo stuff (like curses or manipulation)! I also do not practice it in it’s entirety – I mainly stick to making candles with herbs and oils, writing petitions, and wearing representative positive stones. I am not entirely sure how much I really believe it, but I do believe in the power of visualization, putting positive vibes out into the universe/world, and participating in heart with other people’s needs (I enjoy more what hoodoo can represent, much like most religions, but I think each of us needs to find our own personal style and “taste” in how we connect spiritually to the world, be that through religion or some other practice). So, I have kind of “customized” my own practice with it, not necessarily believing in the “magic” of it, but more as a spiritual practice to reverberate positivity and connect spiritually. I enjoy making candles (I just add certain kinds of herbs, spices and oils to a 7 day candle for whatever “kind” of candle I am making) and then I write petitions to place underneath the candles. I like to think about what I wrote in the petition when I light the candles and it also is my way of reminding me of those I care about and the situations that others (and myself) are facing. The petitions are basically prayers and requests for people and situations – like writing a petition to the universe/god for healing for someone who is sick, or financial help for my family or others, or for a clear mind for a business idea, or protection for someone I love, etc. The stones are fun because I can get them in the form of a bracelet that represents something I want, or desire (like clarity, strength, calmness, etc…) and as I wear them, I am reminded of who I want to be and/or what I am seeking.