My very best friend and I talk about having a podcast – I made the comment it should be called, “Welp, fucked that up.” Either that, or a book/memoir. It wouldn’t be something spectacular, but rather a series of events explaining the ways in which we have so often attempted to make things go “right”, or our way, and in looking back have completely fucked up the situation even further.

I am here to inform you, that this once again has happened with me.

How you might ask? Well… I wouldn’t be writing a post unless I was ready to divulge all the dirty details…

So, yesterday was rather a bit of an awakening. And of course, riddled with embarrassment and a hard reckoning. I realized: I am a self-help addict. [gasp]

No, but seriously. After blowing almost 4 hours of blowing in an effort to find a fix, I came across some heavy and weighty material by Mark Manson. I am a subscriber of his (of course), and get some extra content for being as such. I watched a short video clip where he answers a series of most voted questions on his site on a blog post called “Ask Mark Anything.” One of the questions was, something akin to: “How do I stop being a self-help addict and start doing?” Mark was kind and frank (as he normally is – well, he’s Mark, not Frank. But, I think you get what I mean here) as he began to answer the question*.

Things in my world, got really quiet. As I was listening to him answer this question, I had that moment of truth check that so often happens when you have a revelation about yourself – especially not the fluffy feel good revelations. No, no. This was one of those revelations, that I immediately, meekly, excruciatingly embarrassingly, like a kid caught with her hand in the candy jar, ask myself, “is this me? Am I a self-help addict?” To which, I already knew the answer. (Speaking of which, I had a friend one time tell me shortly after high school when I was in my holy internship, “If you have to ask, you already know.” Which this is increasingly the case the more, and more I test this theory…)

Questions began to swirl my head. Can someone be a self-help addict? There are people out there that are literally self-help addicts? Am I a self-help addict? And as being as such, as any good self-help addict would do, I promptly began googling “self-help addict” and “Am I addicted to self-help?” Ok, this seems to be a newer area of thought, as there isn’t a ton out there at the present moment according to my google finds, although there is enough. I did come across a book about self-help addiction. Yes, furthering my horrible revelation, and against the great wisdom by Mark Manson, I of course, shelled out an additional $4.00 for the kindle version of this book to recover myself from my self-help addiction.

I think that was a new low. I literally purchased a self-help book, to help me heal from self-help.

I also did find one quiz that I checked off about half of the tell-tale signs that you are, indeed, a self-help addict (spending more money on self-help materials than investing in your business, talking at people rather than talking to them, feeling of panick, sadness or fear upon finishing a book or an article, you read more than you actually do, etc, etc, etc.). I couldn’t believe it. I have been chasing the self-help high. And I wondered if I am alone in this.

I suspect this is a product of my generation. I am an elder millennial (according to Eliza Shlesinger, a most brilliant female comedian). We are told to believe to achieve. To visualize in order to actualize. To be self-aware to be sincere. And while a portion of all of these things are absolutely true, everything must be done in moderation. And all of this is worthless, if there is no “do” behind it. I have been spinning off the deep end for a while, not doing. Just amassing and amassing a great deal of information, identifying my issues, and learning ways of doing, in an effort to avoid doing. However, the self-help obsession is not all about my issues of trauma or healing from childhood or things in that realm. I do this in regards to business advice (which I am not technically a business owner, so why am I so hell-bent on “preparing” when I have nothing to apply it to!?), relationship advice, and in general life practice guides (how to feel happier, how to know what you want to do, how to find peace and tranquility).** All the while, I am gorging on article after article, podcasts, websites, books, and the occasional online course purchase, in order to find out how to unlock the doors to my best life and all that crap. And what I have found out yesterday is I am avoiding the “doing” aspect of any of it. I have fear and have built this huge smoke wall around it to protect it. And cunningly, by reading, it gives me a false sense of action and an ego boost that makes me think I am overcoming this fear, when in reality, I am not even in the same room with it. What I realized yesterday, is at some point, you have to face the giant and just begin to battle it. It’s like, I can learn all I want about jiu-jitsu by reading and videos, but until I actually get my ass on the mats, I will never truly get better. Same goes for my life practice.

Yesterday after learning of my issue, my boyfriend, whom you may recall is a recovering porn addict, came home and we talked. I confided to him that I am a self-help addict, and we began to unpack the issue and surprisingly, it had so many of the same themes of his own addiction. We were both just kind of astonished. The same way he used pornography to cope with feelings of inadequacy and loneliness is the same way I’m using self-help to cope with my feelings of inadequacy and fear of failure. I’m literally hiding from facing it by “actively” researching it instead of getting in the ring. I felt like I had an emotional beating. And I hadn’t even begun to take swings yet.

So where does this leave me? Well, exhausted and scared. Because as I explained to my guy, It’s like I just entered the room with this fear finally. We are both standing, facing the away in our opposite corners and I don’t want to touch it. I don’t want to even get near it. I can’t hide anymore behind my smoke mountain of self-help, behind the facade of actually facing it, because I know now, I must finally take action – I know I must stay in the room with this fear and eventually, turn to it, breath the same air it’s breathing, take some swings and start “doing.” I know after the brawling, eventually I will have to make some kind of peace with that fear by my side, hand in hand, and work like hell despite it. So I’ve started taking swings.

What is this fear? As I mentioned, it is fear of failure. I am terrified to actually start doing, because I don’t want to fail. And if I don’t do, I can’t fail. And fear is a tricky thing. It’s a stern belief in that which is not technically reality based. What does my “doing” look like? It looks like ceasing my routine of googling for help until I actually encounter a problem in reality, to which I need help. It looks like no more self-help books, articles or courses for a while. It looks like starting that painting – starting all of my paintings, putting them in shows, or trying to sell them. It looks like writing this blog post instead of just reading about things I should write about. It looks like starting. And I don’t know where it will lead. And I’ll likely make a fool of myself, but if I don’t do, then I’ll never know.

Sadly, you’ve heard a version of this before from me. I have talked about getting started for a while. I’ll post here and there, and then go dark. And that’s the thing. I have this deep feeling that unless I actually get going and gain some traction, I’ll never get to the next thing. I may not be a painter overall. I may not be a writer overall, but taking these steps, right here, the only ones I see to take; doing these things, can only lead me to either becoming those things or paving the way to where I am supposed to go. I am certain of this. If it morphs and changes and twists into something new, then I welcome it. I don’t have a 5 year plan mapped out (nor do I want one). I don’t have an “ideal” life mapped out (nor do I want one). I just need to keep taking the steps and taking action today instead of reading all about it. I need to be curious and see where it leads. I need to just do, in order to actually get where I need to be. And where I need to be ultimately, is, right now, to just do. Figure it out. Try it out. And who the fuck knows? But at least I won’t be paralyzed behind the curtain, terrified of facing my foe.

So, Here I am. ive taken my first few swings. We’re both tired. But we’re both here. In the room with this fear… C-mon fear. I see you, Let’s go. Take my hand…

Cheers.

*Spoiler alert, he was literally just saying “Stop. Stop listening to this video, stop reading articles, stop buying books and going to seminars, etc.” But it’s paid content, so I don’t want to give away more than I should.)

**I want to make a quick disclaimer. I have benefited in incredible ways from all my seeking. I have learned truths and have actually applied many of them in my own thinking and to my relationships with wonderful results, and do not think that self-help is bad. In fact, I still maintain that seeking help to your problems is admirable and priceless in value! What I am advocating here, is being self-aware enough to know when you’ve slipped over to the dark side with self-help. Whereby reading a book or getting lost in articles, substitutes actually doing/implementing the things you’re learning. And that is what I was doing. I was producing NOTHING, and yet was an expert in the nothing I was producing – if that makes sense.