Sometimes I can’t shake The Burn.  Actually, almost everyday, I carry it inside me.

What is the Burn? Well, for starters it has taken up a lengthy residence in the center of my thoracic (chest) cavity.  It lives a little closer to the chest surface, but it is definitely inside. Pretty sure it’s not indigestion (but I’m open to correction) as I’ve seemed to house it since I was around 16 years old.  But rather, it’s more of this emotive sensation. I’d liken it to heat in my chest – sometimes scorching, searing hot and sometimes weak and exhausted – but always with a definite degree of warmth to it.

It governs my life if I am honest. And well, seeing that’s kind of the title of my site and all – it seems like a fitting topic to discuss.

As I mentioned, The Burn has been with me since I was 16.  When I was 16, I became a wild christian zealot. Seriously. Praying in the hallways, Bible reading at the lunch table, talking to every person I came into contact with about Jesus, church every night they’d have me, orchestrating christian events at our high school, and even preaching a bit later on (pretty sure in a college speech class, I did a “how-to” speech on “How to Crucify Christ” so that I could evangelize to my class that he died for them…yeesh…cue embarassment).  I was Sold. The. Fuck. Out. Obsessed, to say the least. It was my first spiritual experience and the way I chose christianity in particular is itself intense, and maybe a topic I’ll cover at a later time. But, needless to say, it was my new world. That’s when The Burn first graced (and inflicted) me with its presence.

The church helped me define it in the context of it’s religious agenda.  I, of course, had no opposition to this at the time as I was the proud poster child for the new believer.  There was one scripture in particular that struck an intense and magical chord which put words to it for me: Jeremiah 20:9, “But if I say, ‘I will not mention his word or speak anymore in his name,’ his word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot.”  That’s when I was told (and prophesied over) that I would be a preacher, spreading the good news. Yep, church – Nice try. Although… they weren’t quite off the mark. (My Jesus and definition of “good news” just became a lot bigger than the walls and laws they preached him in.)

This scripture seared into my conscience incredibly deep.  It’s still in there, but existing with a much wider translation than I originally understood it to hold.  And I am finding it’s still somewhat applicable today. The Burn. It’s shut up in my bones. I have to let it out.  It’s why I write my blog. It’s why I write my other art blog. It’s why I am a self-help addict. It’s why I have an obsessive nature of knowing myself, learning about others, finding out how I can help and what words of peace, encouragement and love I can give anyone to help them along in their path and journey.  As I said, it lives in my heart. And it feeds on the oxygen of relationships, love and self-awareness.

I find it interesting, after a short amount of research that the heart chakra closely aligns to this placement of The Burn inside of me.  The heart chakra represents love, self-love and governs our relationships – The very things I am most passionate about. I find that there is a beautiful correlation to the scripture I love with this meditative and healing guide from Hinduism, Buddhism and Jainism which all have some variation of the chakras as focal points for healing/meditating.  

So, I live with The Burn day in and day out.  It accompanies me in my dreams a lot, it often wakes up with me and it’s often the last thing I ponder while drifting to sleep.  It’s ignited and almost untameable in my meditations, and it’s the thing that defines my values, my boundaries, my actions, and my interactions with those I love deeply.  It’s darkside is that it doesn’t let me rest. It’s always pushing, pushing, pushing to make me do more, be more, listen more, self correct, self evaluate, take risks and persevere.  Sometimes I do “burn out”. But what I have learned is when I am using the energy it gives towards the relationships, love and interactions I have with those around me (what I think to be my purpose), it seems abundant, endless, and almost fuel-like.  But when I apply it to the humdrum of day-to-day living or empty career pursuits that may not align with my values, it drains me to an emotionally fatal state of dehydration.

I am still learning to live with The Burn.  Still learning how it moves and guides me. Still learning how to take actionable steps towards it with a practicality behind it.  But it’s always there. It’s always lashing me with fire whips to my soul, making me press on and not cease. It’s bliss when I am aligned to it, and sheer torture when I am not.  I still learn how to handle it but it can take me to some pretty depressive states when I don’t satiate it within me. So, I keep on. I keep trusting this is the inner guide inside me, pushing me to get out there and give whatever it is I have to the world – to you – to offer something to help you along in your path, and maybe heal myself a little more in the process. 

So…Here’s to The Burn.  May we trust it inside us, carry us through the hard times it requires of us, and may it take us to amazing new places we never thought possible.

Cheers.