Darkness sometimes can hit without warning. No call, no siren of impending danger, it slithers up and strikes the psyche while infecting your being with it’s lethal venom. While there are varying forms of darkness, it visited me yesterday. It slid up next to me whispering nasty everything’s into my mind. It had more of a revealing quality, yesterday – one of those flavors of darkness that presented it’s side of the truth in it’s twisted and emotionally heavy way, forcing me to stare directly into it’s big, black, darkened eyes. It beckoned me with intensity to confront it. And so I did. We sat on my bed with the lights of the day snuffed out by the hiding of the sun, and took turns tossing the information presented – wrestling, dancing, chiding, and humiliating. It cast accusations at me while I held up…
So, I am kind of terrified of wasting my life. After some deep and long, thoughtful questions from my best friend, we began discussing the idea of further defining our values the other night. It’s something that is so simple, and struck me as odd that I never thought about it. Her number one purpose in life, she reports, is “love.” That got me thinking. What do you mean by that? What is love? Love to me is so vague and is widely interpreted. I asked her – what does that mean? She responded with “Growth and Intimacy.” Ok, and so what does growth mean? What does intimacy mean for you? I think that’s a problem that many of us get hooked into – chasing vague ideas. As I was asking her these questions, I flipped it on myself. Success. Success to me is vague and therefore, I…
There is a theme in my life. It’s overachieving. Yes, Yes. I know… That sounds arrogant. Especially following my confessed failures in my last post. But it’s true. Sometimes our greatest strength is also our deepest vice. Or in my case – my curse. So, what is overachieving? Glad you asked. Let’s get personal. It’s what it looks like when I have a day off, but I at LEAST have to get the dishes done, or make the bed because I have to achieve something on a day off – no matter how big or small. It’s what it looks like when I work full time, attend grad school full time, and take far too many 5-week, Saturday-only courses (back to back) just to ensure that 4.0 GPA. Which, in turn, made me neglect my family…
From my last post, I apologize. Not for expressing myself, but the rant and anger that I displayed. Don’t get me wrong, all those feelings and emotions were incredibly present, and still 100% are when I reflect back. However, giving in to a lot of those fueled expressions was…potentially distasteful. And for that, I am sorry. But again, it doesn’t mitigate my experience. Not one bit. Those were real emotions pouring from me, real experiences, real heartbreak. That was my absolute reality after the most powerful man in my company, and my direct boss, took it upon himself to violate my body by touching my butt, sexually, multiple times. And as I chose to press forward in the complete dark, I wanted to reflect back to raise awareness to the very real consequences, of not my choices (but also yes, my choices too in…
I remember the first time I was honest. Not in the normal, day to day meaning… but the first time I was honest to the point that it cost me… I remember it clear as day. I was 16, in a bathroom stall at my school and I had cheated on 3 high school end of year exams. I had recently found a faith (that I loosely still proscribe to) but back then, it was a new found faith and a set of beliefs that challenged my character deeply. I remember I had been caught cheating on one of the exams – I was humiliated. And after that 3rd exam, I went into this stall to breathe, to cry, to sulk and to gather my devious game plan of how to handle it. I wanted to lie, to blame it on someone, to minimize what I had done…