From my last post, I apologize. Not for expressing myself, but the rant and anger that I displayed.  Don’t get me wrong, all those feelings and emotions were incredibly present, and still 100% are when I reflect back.  However, giving in to a lot of those fueled expressions was…potentially distasteful. And for that, I am sorry.

But again, it doesn’t mitigate my experience. Not one bit. Those were real emotions pouring from me, real experiences, real heartbreak. That was my absolute reality after the most powerful man in my company, and my direct boss, took it upon himself to violate my body by touching my butt, sexually, multiple times. And as I chose to press forward in the complete dark, I wanted to reflect back to raise awareness to the very real consequences, of not my choices (but also yes, my choices too in the face of my standing up for my values), but his choices.

For starters, I chose to not accept that barbaric, degrading, and distasteful behavior. I chose to leave behind my 6 figure income, fantastic benefits package, and respected position. I subjected myself to the worst case scenario, one I feared desperately – unemployed, starting over, dependent on my partner.  But I did that because my values, literally, wouldn’t let me do anything else. I couldn’t possibly work for a man who sees this behavior as acceptable – drunk or not. I couldn’t any longer support his vision, his life work, because of the utter disrespect he showed me, humans, and my fellow ladies. That is beyond unacceptable.

But where did that leave me? Completely ashamed I couldn’t support myself independently.  Completely terrified of what my next steps would be. Lost and picking up odd jobs just to get by. Making myself as useful to my partner, because of the utter indebtedness I felt towards him. That was unfair. But it is what it is.  I can lament and wail and pity myself, but I had to get up, pick up, and move on. All while processing the complete violation imposed upon me by his choice.

I love that recently we see the situation with Affleck and Weinstein in the center of our news. Women, speaking up and standing up to their perpetrators is so very comforting.  Articles spewing from HR companies, and women’s rights movements, exposing the realities many of us have been subjected to since, probably forever – that our bodies are seemingly not our own. But the awareness comforts me greatly. More women will (hopefully) feel empowered to stand up to this awful behavior. And yet, there I was. Terrified my case would go unheard.  Terrified I would have been accused of a fictitious assault charge – which if anyone knows me, that couldn’t be further from the truth.  But that’s the society norm today – she’s after money, fame, etc.  And yet,  I faced the reality of potentially being overlooked as a qualified candidate to a future employer because of a choice my superior made, and one I made – to not accept this violating and demoralizing behavior. The Cost of Character.

What can be done? I write. I write about my experience so as to raise awareness to mine, and other women’s experiences. And I’m lucky. I’m lucky mine was only butt grab, and not something so terrifyingly more serious.  To all those who have been subjected to far worse, my heart breaks deeply for you. You did not deserve that behavior. And I continue to read about it and I’ll be calling it out to any man who displays this thinking and/or behavior. I’ll stand up for women and support them in their very real claims of this. The Cost of Character.

I lost my income. I lost damn good benefits. I probably lost their good reccomendation (even after a GLOWING review just 3 short months before this incident occurred). I’ve dealt (and continue to deal) with the psychological affects – doubt, shame, fear, guilt, anxiety, hopelessness, depression, and isolation. I had to choose this path, because my character (and through the support and strong encouragement of my man) wouldn’t allow me other wise. The Cost of Character.

I think about how else I can make a change. I write this to add another voice to this movement, however I can. But remember, men, you can help too. You can place yourself in the eyes of women and attempt to view things from their reality.  You can start by reading this article which is pretty on point (albeit looooong – but pretty fantastic nonetheless).  Or this one. Or for a dose of humor, see Dwayne Johnson’s endorsement in this post to the actual “Rock Test.” You can call it out when you see it from another man. You have a voice too. The Cost of Character is actually less for you. But, be warned of this assured  great consequence: you’ll garner more major respect from women in the process.

Cheers.