Some days life just hits you and makes you it’s bitch. While this can happen in a variety of ways, today it happened to me esoterically. There I am, 30,000 feet above Dallas, and I just started crying as I stared out of the plane window, watching the sun setting over the cars, buildings and lakes during the hustle and bustle of Tuesday evening traffic. What’s the point? Half of me wondered if life matters at all. A sad, depressed wave as thick as oil oozed slowly over the top of my head and settled all around me in my seat. My life is meaningless. What’s the fucking point of all of this? As I lamented the work trip I was wrapping up, filled with client meetings and a tour for an up and coming luxury airport product. The other half of me looked out over the horizon against a backdrop of wild pinks, purples and blues in the sky hovering over homes tightly packed neatly in their assigned quadrants across the landscape. I felt an incredible connected kindred to my human brothers and sisters all over the metroplex. We are all the same. Sure, different backgrounds, education levels, jobs, upbringings and experiences separate us – but not one of us is more suited or better than the other at anything that can’t be considered deeply meaningful, influential or powerful. We all harness that same exact substance inside of us, meant…
Darkness sometimes can hit without warning. No call, no siren of impending danger, it slithers up and strikes the psyche while infecting your being with it’s lethal venom. While there are varying forms of darkness, it visited me yesterday. It slid up next to me whispering nasty everything’s into my mind. It had more of a revealing quality, yesterday – one of those flavors of darkness that presented it’s side of the truth in it’s twisted and emotionally heavy way, forcing me to stare directly into it’s big, black, darkened eyes. It beckoned me with intensity to confront it. And so I did. We sat on my bed with the lights of the day snuffed out by the hiding of the sun, and took turns tossing the information presented – wrestling, dancing, chiding, and humiliating. It cast accusations at me while I held up my shields of flimsy defense. It rammed facts down my throat while I pleaded to see the other side of the case, and make way for unknown possibilities. But it won out by the end of the night. As tears moistened defined lines down my cheek, I expired into sleep. It sits with me this morning, silent but present, prepared and waiting for the battle to continue. I am busy calling out to lifelines that offer guidance, peace, perspective. I am quiet in my reserve, aware I am not ready to face it again, but it does not escape me…
It was nearly midnight. Well, 45 till. And I realized, I hadn’t written my 250 words a day yet. Not in my journal. Not in a post. Not at all. We had family in town and so I stayed up so late the night before and then woke up super early the next morning. And it was a full day. Of family, movies, food, video games, an interesting work tour at my guy’s employment facility, etc. And before I realized it, I was watching my guy and his brother playing video games at 11pm. And the thought crossed my mind… I hadn’t written my 250 words yet today – at all. And so there I sat. I finished up my drink, put my drinking vessel in the dishwasher, and said goodnight. I called my puppy to my side in my bed, and grabbed the laptop to write-up a few words before dozing off. It’s good to have family in town. Especially the family you get along with. It’s fun. It’s celebratory. It’s lack of sleep and laziness and things to do. It’s games to play (since we have 3 kids under 13 staying with us). And it’s a form of community. This family, although they live in MO, they are close to us. The closest family my guy has, anyway. And I really enjoy them. They love well, they love deeply, they are present and they are…
I’ve spent an unnecessary amount of time looking at social media posts this morning. Every so often I’ll do this. To catch up on the lives of those I know, used to know well, or have recently met. I often don’t enjoy my time on social media – I rarely post on my own. At the end of a perusing session, I feel as if it’s time wasted. Sure, I get to see so and so’s new ugly baby (because all new babies are ugly), or chuckle at a video here or there. But it always leaves me thinking, “Oh that’s cool they went and did this, or that, but I wonder how they really are.” Because while people will make something public, rarely is it as real and raw as we think it to be. And when we post too real or too raw too often, well, then it becomes less appealing and people tend to treat us like pariah’s if our posts aren’t done in a creative and artistic way. I digress. This post is not at all about social media. I don’t care enough about social media to write that post (and, add to the fact that it’s kind of an exhausted topic in our society right now). What I did want to write about is Nature vs. Nature. There were two experiences I saw on social media in the 30 minutes I just blew… One where…
A few months ago, I found myself in a really awesome, unique position. My company had some business in New Orleans. I was the only one available to shore up the last minute details this business required, so I was nominated to go. Apparently the week I had to be there, there was a large conference being hosted downtown. All the hotels and flights were booked. My company had to pay to fly me first class to and from New Orleans. I had to book a very expensive hotel room downtown, since there were so few left. Once I landed, I immediately got to work. After I finished up, I headed to my hotel room and was actually provided a free upgrade to a suite. I take the elevator up to my room, on the 11th floor, in downtown New Orleans. Not only was it a spacious and gorgeous hotel room, but I had 3 different walls, facing 3 different directions, of pure windows. I could take in the whole city from where I was. It was breathtakingly beautiful. The kicker? I was all alone. I took the evening and walked down to Bourbon Street, alone. I went into a restaurant and had an incredible cajun meal, alone. I stopped in at a jazz bar, grabbed a drink and enjoyed some Jazz music, alone. I walked up and down the Bourbon street area, snapping a few photos, and peering into…