I’m mad.  Not like, fiery, furious mad.  But just really frustrated. There is a rebellion in my soul right now.  The kind where I absolutely cannot make myself work. See? It’s 3:44pm right now on a Monday.  I spent half of my Sunday the weekend before last working until 10pm. Which is fine. I wasn’t too upset about it – except for the fact that it was in Nashville and I had my last night with my best friend planned – but had to work.  Luckily, she’s one of the bravest souls I know and has a deep comfort with exploring new towns (and cities… shit, and countries too!) on her own I have to admit – I do not have that level of curiosity and adventure. And she had a great time. And because I had a 7am call the next morning, I had a great time – in bed.  On my last night of my girls trip. When I was supposed to be with my best friend.

It was a long week last week.  One of conferences for work and other work piled on top of that, and more work piled on top of that.  I was exhausted this weekend. Tanked. But I made it.

So, here I am, working from home, and I can’t seem to get myself to do much more.  Sure, I took care of what needed to be taken care of (and still attending to things here and there), and yes, I know that my inability to produce much today will be on tomorrow’s workload.  But today I was pushed into a frustrating situation with my company. I can manage the situation – it’s really not that big of a deal. But this particular situation just kind of snapped something in me. It just made something turn off in me, like the simple flip of a lightswitch.

I think this is a good thing.  Because my best friend and I, (she’s the author of www.sexandthebigd.com), are talking about starting a podcast  and joint blog site soon.  We have tossed this idea around a bit in the past and are finally making steps to do it.  We still don’t have a name yet for it, but within the next month or so, I hope to be linking to it for your listening pleasure.  

I’d liken this situation with my work to that last shred in a doldrum relationship.  You may know the one I am talking about. You’ve been working on this relationship, putting in the appropriate time and effort, but it’s just…not quite fulfilling.  It’s another fight, another small argument, and then maybe you watch him load the dishwasher wrong yet again, and then… click. Something turns off. You had this one-mindedness for this person because you were simply doing the relationship thing, letting fate play out, and now you don’t.  All of a sudden it’s changed. No fanfare, no major blow up, You’re just…done. You can’t play fate’s game any longer. And out of the blue, little whispers of possibilities are opened. You find yourself flirting. You find yourself looking at other social media profiles and scouting, looking up what dating sites are hot… Yeah, you haven’t done the deed and officially closed the relationship yet and you’re still existing in this shell of one until you can start the process and sort out the details, but you already know you’re on your way out… You already know life as you know it is changing. Shit is going to be changing soon. You finally are honest – This is not what relationships should be.

It’s interesting.  My best friend and I talk extensively and completely relate to each other on this level.  Me, with finding my long lost incredible career, and her with finding her long lost timeless love. They seem to play out in each of our lives EXACTLY the same.  We share the same feverish desires, anxieties, frustrations, hopelessness, and fears within these two wildly different realms of career and love. (I think this is linked to what we deeply is understand to be our individual meaning and purposes in life.)  Of course, these are going to be topics we explore in the podcast to come – But, even more ironic is this: My love life is really great right now. I didn’t ask for it, I didn’t want it when I got it, I didn’t seek it when I found it.  And then I met the love of my life through the randomness of online dating and just kind of looking for hookups. And although we’ve only been together 3 years, it’s still going very, very well, all things considered. It’s likely to be a forever partnership if I am judging that correctly.  And I love him deeply and richly and am so grateful for him. Her with her career? The exact same. She didn’t ever care about it, she didn’t ever seek it, and her career just blew up. She gets handed new opportunities at a whim, and she takes them. She now works in a downtown office, something she just simply asked the universe for at one point, and she’s now there – in a new position that just approached her… She never had to “work” much for finding that career. And it’s going great for all intents and purposes.  She still loves what she does very much. But? She has this great job, but really wants a deeply fulfilling love.  I have this incredible relationship but I really want a deeply fullfilling career – our two needs and yet, nemesis, at play.

Regardless, of all this, this is a good thing – the rebellion in my soul that happened.  The flip off towards this career made me realize, I am now open. I am ready to flirt with potential new opportunities. I am ready to scout a bit.  I am ready to start taking the steps to sort out the details of a change. Not that I am looking to jump ship right away – the details in a career situation do certainly differ from those in a relationship – but it’s a peace in knowing this too is not really forever now.  I knew it – but now I know it. And most specifically, I am ready to take some actionable and concrete steps to get me out of this fate I had joined myself to. I am ready to really start this thing with my friend and see where it goes.  I hope you join us for the ride.

Cheers.