So many things to be grateful for. And I am. I don’t want to sound like a brat….

But I do, and it seems like I am ungrateful. That couldn’t be further from the truth. I am in a job – the box. Been at this job for a long while lately.  Sure, it’s hard. Sure, it’s challenging and it feels some days like a false sense of reality, working to fulfill insignificant goals. A place that I use to pave the way to afford the things I want, need, and love. And that is the truth. But I am so grateful.

I have been tossing around and testing a truth that I think I have discovered: that “For something to be true, you have to see it from both sides.” I truly feel that is a place where the truth often lies. When we can train ourselves to step outside of ourselves, and see all situations from both perspectives, both sides, then we can see much clearer than we ever imagined. This is hard work, though. Especially when I am in a situation such as an argument with my beloved. But it’s seemingly proving to be truer and truer the more I employ it.

So, taking my own dose of my self-prescribed medicine, when looking at the box from the other perspective? I love it. I can’t believe I am here. Honestly.

I was thinking about this the other day… That, years ago, I would have not believed my lucky stars I have this job. And as much as I was completely traumatized and horrified by events that occurred in a past job, I really owe it to that position for granting me the chance to skyrocket into new career paths, which eventually landed me new opportunities, leading me here. I make a really great living (by my own standards. I mean, I drive a 6-year-old civic, so let’s be honest – I don’t need too much to be happy). I get to travel regularly within the United States because of this job. I have the option to work from home on some days if I want or need to (I really get about 4 times as much done from home because of my A-type moronicism). I have a great boss now – seriously, really great, even though I do have momentary frustrations with him. He’s incredibly kind, compassionate, and wickedly smart (He’s from Europe and speaks 4 languages). And I work with a bunch of great folks. I mean, years ago, I might have literally KILLED for this job (no, no, not really. Buuuut… I might have thought intensely for a few minutes about it first…). And if this would have been me all those years ago, I would have been so in love with it. I would have given my heart and soul to the work – probably thought it was my calling and would have wanted to stay here forever. Isn’t it funny? How time and experience can change the very fabric of what it is you think you really want? (This both soothes and terrifies me.)

I have already brought a lot to the table in this position. I have worked efficiencies into our systems and am working on the full implementation of those. I get to know my clients more and more and am able to anticipate their needs. I am proud of the work I have  done. Really, really proud. And it’s been praised by my boss, and even his boss. Which has been rewarding. And it’s days like today and yesterday, when I have the opportunity to work from home and “switch things up,” that I know I can hang in there as long as I need. I know it’s for my good. This is my work. I have heard from a few buddhist meditator instructors giving this advice to newer meditators: that when you are frustrated and feeling incredibly irritated about something during meditation – maybe the person with the incessant coughing/clearing of the throat, or the loud-mouthed gurgly wet breather that sounds like they are heavily sleeping but somehow wide awake, or the maddening hum of electricity or a tiny bug buzzing away conveniently next your ear – That, that is your “work.” And my work? Well, It’ is both my work, and my “work.”

And my work? Well, It’ is both my work, and my “work.”

So, when I am feeling that deadening hopelessness I described in my last post, I pause. I think back to the 30-year-old me and how happy she is she made it to this point in her life. I think about the people I work with. I think about the fact that I woke up today and got to choose if I wanted to make the hour and 15 minute commute into work. I don’t have a lot on my plate in the current moment. It’s a lot more slower of a pace compared to previous positions (not always the case – but it is at least this week). I haven’t acknowledged how little stress I am actually feeling right now compared to previous positions, and that is beautiful. Its not always this way here, but it is so at the moment. And I can be here, in full acceptance that I am here for a reason and be wildly grateful and fully appreciate it for what it is, right now, in this moment. And I can give them a pretty good-sized portion of my heart and soul… However, unfortunately the heart and soul now knows too much. As much as I’d like to invoke it, it simply cannot go back to the old me, years ago, providing the same level of zest and zeal it could before. And that is ok. They get a good portion, and they just have to compromise on the rest.

Of course, it clearly does not diminish how much my soul yearns still for the freedom to work for myself, to own something that is mine, to work at my pace, to invest energy into the areas or people, I believe, would benefit the most. To not have to complete tasks that may or may not be necessary from my perspective. That may never go away – and may also never find its fulfillment. I do not hold onto that dream as if it is the thing that will make me “happy.” I am happy. I am truly happy. I just have a job that I feel is not quite fully mine. I have a job whereby I have committed a large chunk of my time and energy, to working on and furthering someone else’s dream. Sure, I have the ability to make certain parts of the job mine (and that is what I am learning to do now – my “work”). But, I still wonder how I can, if I can, finally take the steps toward my own dreams. (Spoiler alert – I tried magnificently once, and miserably failed.) I won’t let the dreams go while I rest in the here, but I also won’t neglect acknowledging all the good I do have while simultaneously chasing my dream.

So, I am playing it safer now – I am quite gun-shy when it comes to taking grandiose leaps at this point and so I am taking small leaps day by day in the tiny moments of time I receive in and outside of my current work. But… I have this thing – like, I know it’s coming. I know. A deep inner knowing that something will open. A door will manifest and open. I am on my path. And until then, until that moment, I keep juggling the time between work I may not entirely enjoy, is good to me, pays the rent, and the work I love, but has yet to pay a dime. I play it safer. I take the risk in much smaller doses right now, and will chip away at it bit by bit. Who knows? Maybe someday soon it will be a masterpiece.

Cheers.