Ok, so an update to the last post, I was offered that job.  And yes, that’s right –  I took the job.  I was officially working again for another company.  The very one, indeed, headliner of the wrestle in my previous post.

When I had been at it just barely over a month, it was too soon to really know how it was going to work out.  I mean, I thought I would eventually really enjoy it.  However, in the first 3 months of “drinking from the fire hose” season, it felt stressful and overwhelming during the learning phase.  I was particularly perturbed at the level of responsibility I already had with no official training; however, this complaint was just me being exhausted from my last position that entailed a much higher level of the same.  Smaller companies tend to not have great training programs built into their companies when they are so new.  So, I had compassion.  And I guess patience.  I had to.

The job was right for the time then.  I knew this.  Often I have a deep fear that whatever I jump into will be my forever and I am stuck and will never grow onward to new things, and especially (regarding the reasoning in my last post) I can’t possibly do more outside of the one chosen thing. Instead, I realized that all that I have done constantly builds me for the next thing.  Each new position has taught me valuable new skills, even if they weren’t “The One.” And besides, what limited thinking…  So instead, I tried to retrain my brain, that it’s my forever, right now.  That’s it.  Nothing more, nothing less.  It will eventually end. That is guaranteed.  And I learned more willpower on the fact that, that is my choice.  I get to choose when it ends.  And that’s empowering.  This career relationship runs on my terms.

That being said, however, I still worked on both my art, writing and learning the new job.  And it’s comical. Whilst in the middle of my wrestle, I didn’t see that as an option.  Mostly because of my A-type moronism, I suppose I couldn’t FATHOM not giving 1,000% (if that’s even possible) to a company that I work for.  And did just that at the moment.  Not giving 1,000%.  Trying with everything I had to not over-achieve, and implement those tried and true suggestions from my counselor.

The problem was, and I chuckle at the thought of it right now, but at 3 months in, I had already obtained a lot of work at the new job.  I remember having a ridiculously long to-do list.  I remember having to fight every moment to not stress, and freak out about that, and not to spend my Sundays trying to get those things done.  I remember thinking early on… I will not contribute to the job over my weekend.  So, you can imagine my sheer frustration (Ummmm… maybe even fury) when one weekend early on, I would then see 18 new emails on my work phone and be required to make a work call because a few of them.  Seething frustration.  Eh, C’est la vie.  I chose to make it wait.

I mean, why do companies think they can own your time away from the office?  Why is America so fucking hell-bent on our worth being in how long we work and stretching employees until they sometimes literally break?  Because that is absolutely what happened to me in the job before the one I write of now.  However, I am happy to report that now I consistently hold the mindset of: No, I will give you 80% of my time.  I can accomplish a lot with 80%.  (And if you start thinking you can have more, well… sadly, I must have taught you that you could.) No, no… I am responsible for what I allow people to take from me.  It was (and still is) my responsibility to instill boundaries and allow a few balls to drop so that the load does not overtake me.

Before I had accepted that job, ironically, I began a very consistent meditation practice and Man, oh man, did that meditation practice change my whole world during that season.  Although I don’t practice it as regularly now, I still choose to be more mindful and more intentional in my day-to-day living.  But it opened wide all these realizations about work, about my time, about giving the mind rest.  It really brought a lot of peace, calm, and even genuine overflowing gratitude into my day to day.  And this mindfulness definitely continues to allow me to not offer my “fucks” so readily.

So, that job.  While it wasn’t much to write home about, I chose to sit in it and be present, learning and growing.  I chose to appreciate it for what it was.  After all, it was my Forever, right now.

Cheers.