Ok, so I have been thinking a little more on this self-help addiction thing.  I do believe that I have an addiction. I do believe I should cease a lot of meaningless article reading.  I don’t believe, however, in ceasing all together personal development! I realized the other day, that I can (and it is good to) still listen to podcasts on my hour+ commute when I have to go into the office.  This is a good thing. I am taking otherwise worthless time, and learning and hearing other people’s stories and so forth. So, that stays. I don’t believe I need to google every thought or feeling that comes my way, however.

On another note, I am realizing that I am not so far gone in my addiction as I could be.  Sure I get the next fix/high off of a LinkedIn leadership article. Sure, I can lose myself for hours on the interwebs reading new concepts of thought to enhance my daily living.  And yes, there is a higher ratio of reading/learning in my life than actual doing. But through conversations with my best friend, I have found that I am at heart a doer. She reminded me that I do in so many other areas of my life.  Like previous jobs (and even this current job), I am all about action. At home, I am all about action (cleaning, laundry, etc.). In my relationship, I am all about action (implementing tools and tactics learned in communication). Shit, even when I didn’t know what to do after I graduated my undergrad, I just DID an MBA.  Literally, no plan with the MBA, I just didn’t want to get stagnant. And as I review my self-help addiction, I truly have been “doing” the things suggested. Meditation, mindfulness, I write the lists, I do start the projects, I’ve started the website (2 actually – one for my art and this one), I’ve begun the paintings (I have like 4 unfinished as we speak in my art studio.  Let’s not discuss how LONG they have been unfinished, however…), I make the spaces, I create the time, I am constantly doing…it’s the consistency in most of these things that stump me. However, I am asking myself, how much of this is my personality, and how much of this is that I have a problem? I don’t know the answer to that as of yet. Normally I would set out on my seeker quest on the great adventurous world-wide web to slay my answer.  And here I am. Not doing that (as a form of doing).

I think a bigger issue is I have lost trust in myself.  Because I haven’t started a successful business whereby I can make a living off my own production of something, I feel as if I know nothing.  And that simply is not true. I have gained a lot of valuable insight and wisdom. I have come a long way in my career journey, even if that career as of now still might not be the best fit.  It’s the fit for now, and until I find the next thing I want to do, it’s really a great job. I have worked very hard to get here (pay scale, position, etc.) and currently enjoy many perks that keep me grateful in it (of course, for now). But overall, because I have carried around this constant mantra of, “you haven’t done THE thing, you have failed,” it has kept me feeling like I am completely incompetent.  Not in every area. Many areas I possess a decent degree of healthy confidence. However, my whole life has been about this thing. And it begs (again) the question, what is success – to me? I think I have been defining it as: running a healthy business whereby I make a living similar or equal to what I currently make, that enables me complete independence from being required to fulfill someone else’s vision/mission and rather fulfill my own of helping or providing to others something of great value.  Is that too high of an expectation? I don’t know. I have been testing and prodding this theory – twisting, turning, challenging it, reframing it, trying to see if it needs to change. However, I am doing. Yes, my lack of trust clearly has influenced it, for once I get started, I doubt myself and my abilities, and that is where I break down. I start to listen to the inner critic say, “This is crap. This is not going anywhere. This is going to turn out to shit.” And then I lose steam and try to change course.  I am not sticking with things. I am not committed. Lack of trust in myself equates to not being able to commit.

So perhaps there is a bigger issue here.  Maybe it’s not that I am not doing, but rather I am not committing to the thing I am doing for a reasonable length of time. I can’t completely commit.  I know that – because it could change and morph and that should be allowed. I just know I am not defeating those self doubts and fears when they arise and pushing through them. Maybe for me, it’s that I am changing course too frequently and feel like I have ruled out options too soon (I have been known to be quite impatient).

One of the things I am learning about self-help addiction (of course I am still reading the self-help addiction book – c-mon, good habits that easily morph into bad ones for you, also die-hard), is that self-help addicts are dependent on how they FEEL about things.  Don’t go to the gym, because I don’t FEEL it. Don’t start that painting (or in my case, finish it 90% of the time) because I don’t FEEL good about it. Don’t write that blog post because I don’t FEEL like it’s a good one or that I have something good to write. I saw this yesterday walking my dog.  I have the cutest little chihuahua/boston terrier mix puppy (bo-wawa, I call her species). Well, due to my recent lazy stint, she has also become a little lazy. And tubby. And I have seen her struggle to jump on the couch and she snores more, and well, she’s just gotten fat. I feel terrible as a dog mom.  And while I was walking her around the block, other day, she literally pooped out, laid down and got really heated. I had to physically carry her the rest of the way home. I felt AWFUL. I couldn’t believe I let her get this unhealthy. She used to have so much spunk and energy, and now she was miserable. And as her momma, I did that.  I feed her too much, I don’t tak her for walks/exercise. That’s on me. But while I walked her yesterday (a shorter walk that she was able to finish), I immediately identified that feeling… I looked down at her and had fear that she wouldn’t be healthy and that she’d never get her spunk back. I had this strange sinking feeling that I have failed, and all is lost.  WHILE WALKING HER. WHILE DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT! What the fuck is wrong with me? That, that right there is my issue. in the midst of my doing, I have this “Quit it. Quit it now. You’ve already failed” mentality. And THAT is not good. I FELT terrible and scared for this little puppy. Like, what if it’s too late? I’ve probably ruined her and these walks are going to kill her.  (literally, my mind went there). And instead, I saw it for the first time and started to calm myself down. I thought about it. I thought, “No, I am doing something about it, and maybe this is very hard on her, and I HATE to see her go through hard things, but I need to keep at it for her. I need to just SEE if we can turn it around, because I love her.” And I was able to turn those thoughts.  For her. I talked myself back into a curiosity state of, what if? What if I CAN help her get better???

Why am I not doing that for me?  Why do I allow the inner screams of “quit now” and feelings of failure stop me dead in my tracks?

This is a very common occurrence, mind you.  And I have allowed myself to be dictated by this internal communication.  So. My homework this week? Identify that feeling. Identify that thing. Talk myself into curiosity around the situation instead of immediately going into a doomsday, all is lost, mentality.  For now, keep doing.  Mix in a little more consistency as I can, and keep trekking.  This is the work. This is the drudge. I keep moving on, despite my demons.  Despite my fear, even if I don’t trust myself. Maybe I push through that discomfort just a little longer than I have been allowing myself to.   Keep doing – just a little longer.

I’ll report back if any life alterning news is obtained from this!